Friday, October 09, 2009

Dealing with Household Guilt

I am going through this thing right now, where I end up feeling guilty if I don't offer to do some chore, and instead just expect Beloved to do it. I am fighting the cultural narrative that I owe him for the monetary support he provides us. Owe him beyond the raising of his puppy, beyond the chores that I already do during the day, and despite the money that I also bring in.

He doesn't encourage this feeling, if anyone was wondering. This is the first time, for me, where I've been in a relationship with someone who has taken full responsibility for his own life. I am used to playing Mom to the guys I've dated (especially the last one), and breaking out of the servicing mindset I've developed is very difficult.

Which, by the way, isn't to say that moms are servants, but that they must do a lot of the responsible thinking for their children. What with children being not-grown-up-yet and all...

I am going a bit crazy, but I think, with time, I will be alright.


Kala said...

I feel you on this. I am a full time graduate student with an assistantship- thus I am on campus for about 80% of my waking time. My partner has a flexible techie job that allows him to work from home(for which he earns three times as much as I do). We don't always split the chores 50/50; he ends up doing the dishes and laundry more often because it's more convenient for him. I constantly have to push down my (self-imposed) guilt because I am earning pennies and not doing much housework, even though he constantly reassures me that he has no resentment towards me, is happy to do it, considers us equal partners, etc, etc.

Scott said...

Have you and your Beloved sat down to work out lists of who's responsible for what? That can be a useful way to make sure responsibilities are evenly divided (and as a bonus, can be a good way to trade off things one person really dislikes doing but the other doesn't mind).