Beauty, Performance, and Me

Why do I do this to myself?

It is a question I ask a lot (and there's no easy answer waiting tidily at the end of the post). When I primp a little before going on the webcam to talk to Beloved. When I put on the nice shirt, even though I feel like wearing a t-shirt, to go see a professor. When I buy the extra shoes so I'll have a pair in both black and brown - heaven forbid you wear the wrong color shoes.

I feel like I am constantly putting myself in an exhibition. I am constantly performing. Some days I really don't mind. The performance gets me compliments, and some days those are enough. Even though it's just a surface value, it feels so nice to be seen as having worth. Some days, like today, it's not enough. I feel so tired - soul-deep tired - of putting on a performance to feel valuable. I get tired of having to work at not looking awkward when I'm just out in public. I get tired of staring at my closet, trying to figure out if I am going to see anyone today that would make me feel awkward if they saw me in a t-shirt.

Every day in the shower, I have an existential crisis, pondering my body hair. I look in the mirror afterward and wonder if just this once I should take the extra time and put on some makeup. Should I fire up the hair-straightener? That's only another fifteen minutes, right?

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except to emphasize that I'm tired. So, so tired. Tomorrow I'll wake up and kick myself because I'll realize I've got it pretty damn easy. I more or less conform to beauty norms, naturally. But tonight, knowing that isn't enough to overcome the knowing that it isn't enough. I must walk right; talk right; c'mon smile, Jamie, don't look so grumpy; dance sexy; make sure your clothes match.

And it makes me so goddamn fucking tired.